TV Guide: Cybertron Edition

7:00 AM - Amazing Inventions!
Infommercial. Host: Swindle. This week includes a home fusion cannon kit, a plant that grows After Dark screen saver modules, and a one-way dimensional portal. All for only 12 trilitres of energon resin. Operators are standing by.

8:00 AM - Cooking with Slag.
Yet more barbecue recipes. Today, Slag shows us why flamethrowers and cooking assistants don't mix.

8:30 AM - Transmaniacs.
Cartoon. Yakko decides to play with Shockwave and learns the meaning of "radiation sickness". Broadside sings the "International Friendship Song"

8:00 AM - Time Machine.
Science Programming. Eight o'clock??? Perceptor, will you turn that #@^^%#! thing off?!

10:00 AM - Decepticon Workout.
Trypticon demonstrates how to tear apart vicious and deadly Autobot enemies. Today's victim: Bumblebee.

10:30 AM - Rush Limbaugh.
Rush gripes about the growing controversy sweeping the nation: Rumble and Frenzy -- which is which? Also, a commentary on Megatron's and Optimus's new looks, and why Transformers would want to put their own names across their bodies..

11:00 AM - Special: Funeral.
Rumble and Frenzy locate the station Rush broadcasts from. Special appearance by Scavenger.

11:30 AM - Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Science Fiction. [Yes, even Cybertron gets this show] Riker tries to make the moves on Elita-One, only to get stomped on when he asks to see her hard drive interface card. Also: Data learns to transform into a warp nacelle.

12:30 PM - Movie Matinee: "Terminator 3."
In a misguided attempt to get a date for the Skynet dance, the T-1000 pursues Linda Hamilton across Cybertron. Guest stars (in order of appearance) Prowl, Optimus Prime, Groove, Blades, and Octane.

3:30 PM - Cybertronian Gladiators.
Game Show In the season premiere, the Gladiators replace the rubber balls in the cannon with Prowl's acid pellets. Will the competitors notice?

4:30 PM - Baywatch: The Director's Cut.
Don't even ask.

5:30 PM - The Simpsons.
Mr. Burns buys the smelting pits and gets Homer thrown in. Bart accidentally says "Eat me!" to Weirdwolf.

6:00 PM - Kung Fu: The Legend Lives On.
Ultra Magnus, a very, very distant relative of Kwai-Chang Cain, conveniently loses all his weapons and has to face Devastator in one-on-one personal combat for the fate of the planet. Again.

7:00 PM - Tales of Earth.
Documentary (part 6 of 12). The Cybertronians first encounter the Swarm, Megatron takes Optimus apart, and Omega Supreme invents the galaxy's largest Oreo cookie. Narrated by William Shatner.

8:00 PM - Vilnacron 90210.
Drama. Orion Pax runs against Decatron for class rep, and Groove tries Enerweed in the little robots' room. Arcee meets her evil twin sister and gets her boyfriend stolen. As always, Hot Rod just stands around looking
cool, doing nothing, and occassionally giving out sagely advice.

9:00 PM - Combiner Variety Hour.
Variety. Bruticus does a puppet show, and Superion tries to reassemble himself while running on stale Pepsi instead of energon. Predaking shows off his latest magic act: walking through the Great Wall of China *without*
alerting local authorities.

10:00 PM - Brady Bunch: The Next Generation.
Comedy. The Dinobots kill several dozen innocent humans and are sent to bed without supper. Arcee asks Davy Jonesicon out on a date.

10:30 PM - The Gunman.
Galvatron meets a diabolical new villain with the power to destroy the planet -- and promptly blows his head off. Flashbacks provide blatant filler for the rest of the episode.

11:30 PM - Saturday Night Live.
Host: Soundwave. Musical guest: Ratbat. Sketches consist of recycled old skits, except that they occasionally change some of the names in them. Concludes with scenes from the time Sludge hosted the show and was
startled by a loud noise.

1:00 AM - Late Night Theater. Tonight: "Godzilla vs. Wheelie."
A highly emotional story about a lone Autobot who gets really drunk one night and calls someone "a stupid overweight squishy." For mature (over 5 million vorn) audiences only.

3:00 AM - Closing Commentary.
Grimlock points out several flaws in the philosophy of Socrates and meditates for continued peace in the universe. Guests include Ratchet, Wheeljack, and Wrapper, a new Autobot who transforms into a straitjacket.

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